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Live Your Life in Fear – The Prize For ‘Winning’ in a Conflict

Competition is exquisite fun. When it happens in sports and board video UFABET games and card video games, it creates that exhilaration and mission and fascination and focus. You get a clear winner and a loser however that is a part of the a laugh and intention of it. It isn’t something private.

But competition as a manner of responding to interpersonal battle isn’t fun and is extraordinarily ineffective. Basically, it would not paintings.


It can seem as although it really works. Which is alas why it’s far the manner maximum generally used as a reaction while a war isn’t always resolved right away and unconsciously which all of us control to do most of the time.

We can suppress a battle and feel as though we’ve got ‘won’. But ‘prevailing’ in a private war is largely an oxymoron as no-one wins while a warfare is spoke back to in that manner. Even the ‘winner’ would not win.

When warfare is responded to as a opposition it’s miles like maintaining down the lid on a boiling pot. At first it seems like we’ve got ‘won’ as we can’t see the contents of the pot bubbling away, but if we take our eye off it, it’s going to soon bubble all over again. And all the time we have to watch it we can not get on with our lives and enjoy them.

The quickest gun was usually having to appearance out for the next challenger. Always on guard, cautious, worried, worried.

The competition technique to personal conflict breeds the Rescuer Syndrome in which we accept as true with others ‘want’ us to remedy their difficulties. We sense there needs to be a winner and a loser and so we take sides ‘for’ or ‘towards’ the ones concerned. And thru this we escalate the severity of the dispute and make it harder to resolve, as others be a part of in on the other side to ‘even up the rating’ because of our involvement.

There are many ways wherein this approach to conflict has manifested in our international. Too many to list however here are a few examples:

The ‘War on Terror’

There is currently an acknowledgement that the invasion of Iraq will inevitably cause an growth inside the recruitment of those trying to dedicate acts of terrorism in the future. The warfare on terror is based totally on the usage of would possibly to dominate, ruin and suppress the ‘subversive’ terrorists. Putting a lid on the pot. But the contents are nevertheless bubbling away or even if the dad and mom are killed the children may additionally carry the resentment and hatred and preference for revenge.

Sep 11

And what was one of the main elements in bringing about the invasion of Iraq? The horrible events of 11th of September. The resentment, hatred and choice for revenge that accompanied from this – and so the cycle continues.

No-one has the ethical high floor, although both aspects compete to be seen because the greatest sufferers, which will justify the more revenge. We are all capable of responding this way, but unfavourable.

But what can make it so much worse is the accumulation of allies on each facets to escalate the hassle. Allies best exist within the competitive method to struggle.

Competitive responses to Adult-Child Conflict

Another instance of opposition in warfare situations is inside the manner that we sometimes approach parenting or coaching. In the beyond, fortuitously, the usage of corporal punishment became used to ‘win’ disagreements among toddler and person. This led to a notion that to ‘win’ in a controversy, force became the remaining convincer, even in which the person became truely on ‘shaky floor’……In fact, particularly in the ones conditions.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent

– Isaac Asimov in his e book Foundation.

The aggressive response to battle perpetuates the phenomenon that ‘the bullied becomes the bully’ and there are masses of cutting-edge debates between folks that endorse a no-blame method to bullying and those who searching for to sincerely ‘punish’ the bully and ‘enforce’ a trade of behaviour – the latter being no extraordinary to bullying itself. The bigger stick wins – until a larger one comes alongside. And so the cycle continues.

You can not ‘put into effect’ a exchange of everybody’s behaviour, most effective suppress it. If a person is going to exchange their behaviour, there must be ownership through them of that decision. Otherwise it will be superficial and temporary. And they will should be ‘watched’ and ‘monitored’ and we will need to be ‘on our protect’. Just like with a lid on a boiling pot.

It would not work.

Similarly, for capital punishment. If you kill a person, the country will kill you.

When you do it, it’s far against the law. When the nation does it, it’s far ‘enforcement’ of the regulation. I’ve by no means quite understood the hypocrisy in that. Unless I see it as every other shape of competitive reaction to war. And then I see it as manifesting all around the global. The terrorists killed us, so we are able to kill the terrorists. Only more of them. So we ‘win’.

But as I will continually emphasise, this isn’t always approximately pronouncing:

Those over there who do which are no right, and ineffective at responding to conflict at the same time as We are ‘advanced’ in our method.

We all fail to do this. In our own way. At our own scale. We just aren’t always able to adopt a extra powerful manner. There ought to be a more effective way, due to the fact, as an method to interpersonal war, seeking to ‘win’ it would not paintings.

Learning to observe and understand our responses and become aware of whether or not they’re powerful or no longer is the purpose of mediation and conflict decision.

Think approximately anyone you get along with. And think about a person you don’t get at the side of. How often do you display what they may be doing, check up on them, have critical arguments with them, attempt to stop them doing matters? Compare your answers for each people.

With one there’s just no opposition. With the alternative there’s a constant ‘game’ – though it is not as an awful lot amusing as we usually accomplice with a sport. It’s greater like a carrying, demanding, debilitating conflict.

We all do it.

Thomas F. Crum talks loads approximately the futility of treating war as a opposition in his book – The Magic of Conflict: Turning a Life of Work into a Work of Art:

“Belief structures create boundaries…In a inflexible notion gadget, some thing that jeopardizes those limitations must be defended in opposition to. One manner to satisfy this constant need for defense is to attack other notion systems earlier than they attack you. Belief systems are often a catalyst for violence. How many wars are we able to depend which have been fought over spiritual ideals and the stronger the fervor of the beliefs, the more the violence. Much of the violence we experience each day, but, is going on internally. We are at conflict within, constantly protecting our old beliefs from new and opposing ideals and mind (even though these new mind are of our personal making). We begin to witness where the root of all violence lives – within ourselves and our want to guard our perception structures.”

Effective battle decision is more approximately self-focus than approximately strategies for changing others – whether we’re worried in a struggle ourselves or we’re trying to help others with theirs.

Becoming aware that we’re treating a battle like a competition enables us to keep in mind some other approach. What is it we think we are able to ‘lose’ in our struggle that we are not losing already absolutely through adopting a competitive approach? Peace of thoughts, relaxed, undisturbed excellent time with our loved ones?

If we keep doing what we’ve continually carried out, we’re going to hold getting what we usually were given.

Seeking always to technique war as an possibility for boom via extended studying, connection and insight presents us with an opportunity approach to keep in mind once we have identified that we’re presently adopting a aggressive technique. This is an big challenge, however in the long run, its purpose is for decision and increase via battle, now not suppression main to non-stop insecurity and fear.

Alan is Director of a Community Mediation Service based totally in West London UK, Hillingdon Community Mediation.

He presents education and consultancy in Communication Skills, Conflict Management, Mediation, Establishing Mediation Systems, Client/Helping Professional Relationship guide and various different tailor made alternatives for assisting powerful communication and battle decision.

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